Size Zero

My Barbie had curves.

No,

Not Barbie... Sindy,

I had a Sindy doll. 

But she had curves all the same.

Toned curves.

There's no cellulite

On hard, molded plastic.

How many peanuts can I eat today?

Ten calories each,

So only eight.

Something to keep the metabolism going.

Standing in the corner shop

Staring at the chocolate bar

For twenty fucking minutes!

At school

They snatched them

Out of my hands.

"It's such a shame. 

You could be so beautiful 

If you lost weight!"

I never did.

Size twelve.

I'm an elephant.

A thin person

Wrapped in

Foam.

Can't take it off.

Want to cut it off.

Take my thighs

(thunder thighs they used to call me)

And squeeze

And look

At excess flesh.

Don't need it,

What's it doing there?

Love food.

Hate myself for loving food.

Drink too much.

Too drunk 

To count 

Calories.

Two bottles of wine last night. 

A thousand calories?

Plus a hangover.

I want to kill myself

But can't think how.

Then the chips,

Hot fatty chips,

With vinegar and ketchup.

Gave up eggs,

And milk,

And meat,

And wheat,

But chips! 

Can't leave chips

Alone!

Leave me alone,

You beautiful figures

On magazine pages

And American sitcoms,

Taunting me

With your ability

To wear

Little short dresses,

Spaghetti straps,

No bra.

Delicious naked,

Lithe and smooth,

Not dumpy

Lumpy.

Look at my legs!

Who would want them?

Hide them quick.

They're hideous.

Sex is good.

But getting out of bed

Naked

Is 

Courage.

Exercise!

Exercise should shift it.

But try running

With excess fat.

I can do two minutes,

One with PMS.

Four girls in the gym

Fatter than me.

Feel better,

Until yoga,

Where they're all

Thinner.

(London, March 2007)